Google loses $1.1 billion, gives 0.0 fucks

Alphabet Inc., Google’s parent company, released its Q4 2016 earnings which both pleased and startled investors.

The company posted gross revenues of $26 billion, beating Wall Street’s already lofty expectations. This includes a $1.1 billion loss on their “Other Bets” division, responsible for such inventions as its self-driving cars, which bear no economic fruit in the short term.

According to Alphabet, they represent investments in the future of technology and humanity, and any losses incurred therein are placed in the “don’t give a shit” category. To ensure that this is communicated clearly to investors, such a category was created.

“Look, we made $26 billion this year,” explained Larry Page, CEO of Alphabet Inc. “That’s a shitload of money, son. You think I care about a measly bill?”

“Here you go,” he added, taking $1 billion from his wallet and throwing it on the ground. “Makin’ it rain! I think that’s what the kids call it.”

While this certainly isn’t the first time a company has made an investment with no short-term returns expected, it is the first time that an organization has communicated its indifference in its financial statements. Alphabet’s accountants found it extremely challenging to wrap their heads around it.

“We couldn’t figure out how to do this,” said an accountant of the company, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “There were no generally accepted accounting principles for this sort of disclosure. Typically, it would be communicated outside of the tables themselves, but they insisted on it.”

“We had to find a way to make this work, and ultimately just gave up on reporting these values on a GAAP basis.”

This wasn’t the only challenge the reporting team faced.

“We also didn’t know which symbol to use to represent fucks as a unit. We tried a few of them and ended up using the one for Tatar. It kind of looks like an F if you see it from a distance.”

Google’s reputation for innovation makes this development particularly intriguing to the financial community as a whole. They expect that other companies will shortly follow suit in their reports.

“This is perfect for startups,” the accountant said. “Most of them have no monetization plan whatsoever, and this is an excellent distraction.”

(millions)
Other Bets revenues $262
Operating loss $1,088
SBC expense* $161
Operating loss, excluding SBC expense $927
Fucks given, net 0 ₽

Excerpt from financial statements, 2016

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