New Trump budget de-funds gravity, friendship, the letter ‘Q’

Pres. Donald Trump at the press podium (Photo by Michael Vadon; CC 4.0 license)

WASHINGTON—New details have emerged regarding the Trump administration’s first federal budget.

The budget is being widely criticized by liberals and Democrats for making too many deep cuts to essential services like public education, homeless assistance, and environmental research.

But now, we are learning that the cuts might actually go deeper than originally thought.

Among budgetary items seeing significant reductions are the force of gravity, human friendships, and the letter ‘Q’.

“Gravity is doing nothing but bringing us down,” President Trump said in his budget speech. “We can soar to terrific new heights without it. But we’re all stuck on the ground because of the over-regulation of the atmosphere.”

The president argued that friendship is another such impediment to success.

“Friendship is another thing we have to look at,” Trump said. “I know this is hard because a lot of us have friends. I have tremendous friends all over the world. Except Russia. I have no friends in Russia.

“We have to stop thinking about our friends in only sentimental terms. If we want to win again, we need to be ready to make a deal at any time.”

The letter ‘Q’, meanwhile, has come under fire for its redundancy and inefficiency relative to other letters.

“The letter ‘Q’, let me tell you something about ‘Q’,” Trump said. “‘Q’ is the worst letter of the alphabet. It’s the most inefficient letter–every time you have the letter ‘Q’, ‘U’ gets a free ride. You’re paying twice for the same letter. Most of the time you can just use a ‘K’ or a ‘C’. ‘Q’ has been a total failure.”

Speaker Paul Ryan applauded the reductions, saying they are in the best interests of the country.

“This is the President’s first budget and already we are seeing kwick, revolutionary change,” Ryan said. “We believe this budget will withstand any reasonable critike.

“Any kwestions?”

Opinions on the other side were not quite as positive. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) is especially concerned about the potential impacts of degravitization.

“Gravity has always been a critical part of life in America. We need it to keep us grounded.”

Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) also objected to these items, expressing particular reservations about the president’s proposal to simplify the alphabet.

“‘Q’ is an extremely important letter to our alphabet and our language,” he/she said. “If anything, we need more publicly funded letters. We’re way behind many European countries in letters. Scandinavian countries have as many as 27.”

“Exactly,” Speaker Ryan explained. “Denmark has 27 letters in their alphabet. That’s why their taxes are so high.”