BROWNSVILLE, TX—A local man has tragically passed away after consuming over two pounds of excrement.
George Garner, 66, relocated from his native San Antonio to Brownsville to work in construction. He is survived only by his ex-wife, Joanna; there are no known children or extended family.
While Joanna was deeply saddened by the news, she was not completely surprised.
“It’s not the first time,” she said. “He was really interested in that ‘two girls, one cup’ video, you know, the really gross one going around a few years ago. And whenever he saw it written on a bumper sticker, he said he wondered if he’d actually die. I never thought he’d try.”
Det. Sanford Keppler of the Brownsville Police Department said that Garner’s body was discovered by a boys soccer team Sunday evening in Lincoln Park.
“When they saw it at first, they didn’t think nothin’ of it,” said Keppler. “Then the coach came over, he turned him over and realized he was dead. Then he called the police.”
The source of the excrement has yet to be determined, but police speculate it is of canine origin.
“This is what happens when you don’t pick up after your pets,” Keppler cautioned. “People die.”