LONDON–British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced today that his government has negotiated a new Brexit deal with the European Union. The new deal diverges slightly from Theresa May’s previous deal in that it provides even fewer economic benefits and is more likely to set Ireland on fire.
“This is a very good deal for the UK,” said Johnson at a conference alongside Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the European Commission in Brussels. “We need to get together and pass this immediately, so we can finally proceed with shooting ourselves in the foot. The sooner we get it over with, the sooner it will start to heal.”
Johnson will formally present the agreement to a brick wall this Saturday.
While Johnson focused on the benefits of the new deal to residents of the United Kingdom, Juncker explained the details of the deal from the perspective of the European Union.
“We don’t even bother negotiating strategically anymore,” said Juncker. “We just nodded and gave them what they asked for. We know they’ll never get it through parliament anyway, so there’s no sense in wasting anybody’s time.”
“They could have asked for ten thousand ponies and we would have agreed to it,” he later added.
The United Kingdom voted by a narrow margin to leave the European Union in a 2017 referendum. Immediately after the votes were counted, David Cameron resigned as Prime Minister. His successor Theresa May made numerous attempts to negotiate an agreement, but was ultimately unsuccessful in passing any legislation and resigned herself.
May called the new agreement “disastrous and idiotic; even moreso than mine.” Cameron, who is presently living in exile in a shed in the Cotswalds, could not be reached for comment.
Opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn announced his intention to block the deal. He was immediately criticized by the Tories, who pointed out that Corbyn made his announcement before Johnson’s deal was announced. Corbyn admitted that he had no intention of reading the terms of the deal or watching the press conference.
“I inherently oppose anything and everything Boris Johnson does or does not do,” Corbyn said. “As he appears to be excited about this deal, on that basis alone I can safely conclude that this is a terrible deal for everyone involved.”
One of the more contentious issues involved with Brexit is the border between Northern Ireland, which is part of the U.K., and the Republic of Ireland, which is not. In 1998, an agreement was reached where each half of Ireland would set aside their differences and stop firebombing each other, and as a result, enjoy an open border. As both the U.K. and the Republic are E.U. members, this is currently possible, but Britain’s withdrawal from the Union could create a de facto border between the nations once again. It is unknown whether de facto firebombs will result.
Britons across the political spectrum are growing tired of the seemingly endless cycle of negotiations, agreements, failed legislation, and extensions. The country’s National Health Service has treated over 3,000 cases of Brexit fatigue. Despite this, people are still highly committed to their views. Some are even wondering if the time has come for the Queen to step in and put an end to the madness.
Katherine Edwards, a librarian and president of the Restore Royal Powers Association, is one of those people.
“The Queen has historically not involved herself in political matters,” she said. “But there’s no law saying she can’t do it. She is still the head of state and our official leader.”
Such a move would be highly unusual for a monarch, and would undoubtedly result in a constitutional crisis. The last time the sovereign overruled the legislative branch was in 1708–over three hundred years ago–when Queen Anne refused to grant royal assent to a bill arming the Scottish militia.
“I understand that this is a democracy, but this is different,” said Edwards. “The future of the Kingdom hangs in the balance, and we need Her Majesty’s leadership now more than ever.”